Welcome 2022... 2021 wasn't quite the Peach of a year but nonetheless brought me close to so many amazing people and gifted me a career that I love and adore.
I learnt a lot about myself this year. I learnt how to fall apart and rebuild myself, again. And I say again because when my world came crumbling down in 2020 with the loss of my mother, I thought I had already rebuilt myself into the person I would be. I was wrong. I needed to go through more heartbreak, more success, more trifle, and severe independence to find who I am. I'm still not even sure I know who I am, but I sure know who I WANT to be.
I've always been the mature one, and I attribute that to having to grow up faster than the rest.
I've always been the one with a "sturdy head on my shoulders,"and I attribute that to the parents that raised me.
I've always been the one that family didn't need to "worry about," and I took that as a compliment for many years.
But I lost my way in 2021. I no longer saw me at those ideas listed above, I was no longer the strong one with a forward mindset for the future. I was loosing myself in the quick sand of life.
I looked at myself in the mirror and no longer saw the person I thought I was. I held myself back from potential growth. In order to grow I needed to break myself loose from the noose of life and go out and search for who I am, on my own. I left home, where even now I still long for the nights I would come home and plop myself at the island and rant on about the day I have. Theres something eerie but peaceful about being on your own. I always longed for the day I would be in my own place and space, create an atmosphere that brought me pure bliss and ease. Well now I have that. My safe space. But I still feel a bit disconnected from home, like I left a piece of my heart when the sold sign went up in our family home. I bought a home gym, everyone that knows me identifies me as the crazy athletic one. I guess fitness has been the backbone of my whole life. So now that I had my own space I could turn my living room into a gym, after all who doesn't want to watch tv while their squat rack looms at them from the corner of the room. But, the gym is my oasis, my happy place, never a task only a routine. I surrounded myself with great people. I always had great friends, but this new year opened my eyes to those who bring me up and support me and those that only stuck around for the success I bare. Above all else, I learnt to love my own company. And this is a big one. I think the new age of cell phones, social media, vacations, and expensive shopping masks and hides the idea of your own company. Being able to play an instrument, to read a book, go for a walk, eat alone in a restaurant, shut off your phone and be still. Those are the people that are the most resilient, they don't need the company of another to validate themselves. Being able to be quiet, still, and enjoy the moments by yourself will pull up from the deepest and darkest places you might find yourself someday. After all, if you can't love yourself and every quirk and flaw how is it fair to make someone else?
That is who I am coming in 2022, someone unsure of the journey but understands the destination. The destination of true and utter happiness and bliss. The bliss you feel when you wake up on a Sunday morning in your big comfy, way too many blanket and pillow bed, the sun creeping in through the shutters and you breathe that sign of relief. Relief that you didn't give up on yourself, that you never let your guard down and you chose to fight for yourself. You fought so that you can sit in your own apartment, drink that freshly made coffee you percolated on the stove, and decide how you want to spend that day. Will you binge Netflix, will you go for a run, meetup with an old friend? You learn to appreciate and adore every second of this precious life, never take anything for granted and love every moment you get with those close to you. Thats my definition of bliss...
If there is one blessing and lesson I learnt from my mother it is that you can only care for those around you as far as you can care for yourself. She raised me to be a people person, put others before yourself and manifest your happiness from theirs. Although I think this is so important, she forgot to care for herself and generate her own happiness. She put others before herself so much that she never took a moment to care for herself and she lost her way. So Ma, look I made it. To the perfect balance point of taking care of myself and supporting those around me. Something you tried so hard to do but you were too kind of a soul to take a moment for yourself. But don't worry, I learnt that lesson and I'll be the person you raised me to be, with just an extra splash of self love.
I made it into the person you always dreamt I'd me, resilient and brave. The one who chooses to live for myself and not succumb to my demise.
xoxo, your little Bee.