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The Fire Within Us

Hey mom I knew that was you...

Some people believe in signs from the universe, others choose to believe there's an explanation for everything. I don't think there's one way of thinking, I think I fall somewhere in between both of these theories. I believe everything happens for a reason, either scientifically or unexplainably.

Is there something outside of this space that we occupy? I think so. Let me tell you why.

I have written before about how I believe my mother is a great blue heron, and this theory continually expands and reoccurs frequently. But tonight, tonight was a much different experience. I drove over to my old neighbours house, my mothers best friend, and we shared a dinner. I felt my mothers presence from the moment I got there, wind chimes began to clang in the distance and the sun beat down on my face filling me with warmth. This surge of relief washed over me for the first time in weeks. I felt safe, secure, something I had not remembered how to feel in awhile. We caught up on lost time, tip toed around the topic of my mother and just lived in the moment. Sharing what I like to call a family meal, a few drinks in our system that brought a surge of nerve. Someone mumbled "Anita" and well that was game over, it opened the envelope of stories. We went around the table and shared some unexplainable stories. The good, the bad, and the spooky. Things that had happened to us or around us within the last 2 years.

As we spoke about my mothers presence the wind began to kick in, the wind chimes were practically across the backyard at this point. My mothers friend began to tell me stories about the odd 'coincidences' that would happen to her. To put it simply, her house became the 'house of horrors' because there was one too many visits from her past, of course in a delightful way. Ultimately, my father and her decided to tell me a story that happened roughly a year ago. He had gone over to their house and wine & dined. The night was coming to a close and they relocated to the living room and decided to turn the electric fireplace on. Let me reiterate that, electric fireplace. One simple click of the remote and the fire is started. 2 seconds later its off. *click* its back on... and off again. An eerie presence came to the room. They flick the switch on the unit itself, it ran for 5 minutes then it went out. Everyone looked at each other in the room and knew exactly who was messing around with them, they laughed it off and closed the evening on a high note.

Now why is this story important? She was checking in. She was making her presence known that evening, that even through she was not tangibly here her spirit was amongst everyone.

So alike that evening closing, so was mine tonight. My father and I climbed into the car and headed back home. We get about 2 minutes up the road and the phone rings. "THE FIRE PLACE IS ON AND IT HAS BEEN RUNNING A LONG TIME THE ROOM IS HOT," she yells through the phone, "Anita was with us this whole evening."

I can't even explain the thoughts that ran through my head in that moment. I was in disbelief. I knew my mom was with us tonight but this was the final shred of evidence to prove to me that she is this fire within me not allowing me to burn out.

My mother was such a beam of light. She found a light in everyone she met and taught everyone she met to channel that energy and engulf it. Tonight she was her own flame that refused to go out even though she said goodnight a long time ago.

You will always be the light of my life, the guiding light on my dark and winding path ahead of me.


Since this happened I have been thinking about the connotations of fire. I think there are two paradigms here. The good and the bad.

On one hand you have the love, passion, warms, illuminates. And on the other hand you have pain, destruction, sorrow, and fear.

And if I reflect on my life for the last month I see a lot of the latter. The fire that has burnt down the life as I know it, but for the reasons of the former. I truly believe that some of life's most powerful lessons are attributed to some of life's hardest times. Obviously the hardest time in my life thus far is losing my mother, and without that I wouldn't be an author. I wouldn't be in my line of work, I wouldn't have made some of life biggest jumps or biggest mistakes. It is all a domino affect. And I suppose this is where the theory about there being an explanation is refuted. Because see, I believe that there is a way in and way out of every situation and that you will be able to solve some of life's biggest issues on your own. But, I do believe that the issues you face will be solved by signs and lessons along the journey to help you get to your final destination.

I simply remind myself:

Every change brings you a lesson you're not ready for, but you need to accept it.

Maybe the fire that has been burning in my chest is the sign that something greater is happening. But like I have said before, we follow our gut feelings and they may be wrong but that is up to us to figure out and mend.

The situations you face are either a blessing or a lesson and it is up to you to figure out which one it will be. It could be both, there is always something to be learnt from everyone and every situation we face.

xo, love Bee.

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