When does healing start?
Does the clock just strike one day and grieving ends?
When can I rid myself from this madness?
These are the questions that spiral in my head as I reminisce in how it has been 30 months to the day, the last time I spoke to you and you saw my face. Losing you ignited a fire within me, to become a creator, I created who I wanted to be in the absence of you.
Somedays I feel like I am back in 2019 standing in Trillium Hospital with zero plan for the future and every reason to give up on life. Sometimes I feel like I have made no progress and find only now that grieving has just began.
I told myself I was fine 6 months after she passed - saying she'd want me to move on in life. But I was only numbing the pain and ended up spiralling months later. Because the truth is, you don't move on, you adapt. Adapting your life to fit the conventional norm without that person in it. Pictures hang on the wall like she's just out for the day and not deceased. Healing started the moment you picked yourself up off the floor wallowing or walked backwards instead of forward off the cliff. But grieving never ends, it will always linger.
So I find myself taking 2 steps forward, to only fall 5 steps back the next day. What's the point of trying?
That is the thing about healing, it's not linear. Somedays are worse than others, somedays you forget about the war you've been battling, and other days you feel like you're in the trenches crossing your heart and holding onto the will to live. I think that life will always look like this, but it is how you choose to move forward.
You gain this arsenal of mechanisms that people your age may never have to experience or equip themselves with. You grow a bitter resentment towards them for this, please don't take this personally, it's our internal battle for having to go through loss at such a young age. We feel more at peace by ourselves than to even attempt to articulate what is going on inside our minds.
You question why me? and resent the life that you were thrown into, left wondering how is this fair? But that is life, you are dealt a hand that was specifically shuffled for you. It isn't always black and white, it is confusing, dark, and quite the journey.
I've doubted my journey one too many times. I feel annoying to those around me when I write about healing and attempt to motivate others- because frankly does anyone really care?
But then I receive messages from those that relate. Reminding me how refreshing it is for someone else to express exactly how they are feeling inside and they couldn't find the words to explain it themselves. This reminds me why I'm here, why I continue to create and post. This isn't only for me, it is for those that struggle in silence, for those that wake up mad they're still living their painful battle, for those that are grieving, and those that travel alike battles with me.
I like to think of myself as a creator, taking what happened to me and creating a narrative from it. Healing through its messages and producing content that reaches those that struggle.
We are all a product of our circumstances. Whether that be, divorce, death, heartbreak, illness, whatever your story is it led you down the path you're on. And this is mine:
She had an infectious soul that craved adventure and change of scenery. I am a product of a woman who aspired to touch the lives around her and create a safe place for loved ones. I hope to amount to half the women she'll ever be. So when this day ends and I mend my broken soul I know I become more alike her everyday. A tenacious will to live against all the odds.
Find a reason to smile today.
Light your soul on fire.
Drive somewhere new.
Let the sun kiss your face.
Battle those demons and remember your WHY for living, whatever it is, hold it close, don't let go.